Because somewhere there are people rumored to care about what Ann Coulter says -- other than Ann Coulter -- you should know that she has talked about soccer. And she doesn't like it.
(Trumpets blare ... fade away into sound of one single, broken kazoo).
In the midst of the world's World Cup joy, the conservative ripped the sport on her website, writing "any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation's moral decay."
She probably meant tooth decay, from increased nacho-eating in all those sports bars.
Coulter suggested soccer is not a "real sport" and that the game pushes a liberal agenda on the American public.
"Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer," she wrote. "In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls -- all in front of a crowd ... ."
Wow. It's pretty obvious someone didn't exactly excel at P.E.
She wrote, "In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child's fragile self-esteem is bruised. There's a reason perpetually alarmed women are called 'soccer moms,' not 'football moms.'"
No. It's because so many more of their kids play soccer. Which, by the way, is a sport that is a lot less alarming for parents than football.
"Liberal moms like soccer because it's a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys," Coulter wrote. "No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level."
They're doing an incredible job of hiding all those girls on the field this week.
The 52-year-old also ripped the lack of scoring in soccer ("No other 'sport' ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer") and how they don't let players use their hands.
"What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs," she wrote. "Our hands can hold things. Here's a great idea: Let's create a game where you're not allowed to use them!"
That's so ridiculous, I can't even make fun of it.
And she's darn tired of being forced by all those crazy tree-huggers to watch soccer.
"I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer," she wrote. "The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO's Girls, light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton. The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is 'catching on' is exceeded only by the ones pretending women's basketball is fascinating."
Never mind that, according to E! News, Sunday night's match between the U.S. and Portugal was the most-watched soccer game in U.S. history. That would be introducing logic into this. Let's just enjoy some more. Like the idea that, because so many foreigners like soccer, it must be un-American.
"If more 'Americans' are watching soccer today, it's only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy's 1965 immigration law," she wrote. "I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time."
Right. Down with soccer grandpas and the soccer-law making, commie Kennedys. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!